Post by Tumainii on Nov 13, 2011 12:33:38 GMT -5
Something I did last night, a bit a vent work I guess haha. I wanted to post it somewhere but I wasn't sure where. I figured here was best.
I hadn't expected it to come out so long, but once I started it all just kinda spilled out. This is the first time I have written something with this point of veiw so if it's confusing anywhere I'm sorry. I also apologize for any grammar or spelling, I usually try to catch myself on it but sometimes when I write to fast I end up skipping some of my mistakes.
I hadn't expected it to come out so long, but once I started it all just kinda spilled out. This is the first time I have written something with this point of veiw so if it's confusing anywhere I'm sorry. I also apologize for any grammar or spelling, I usually try to catch myself on it but sometimes when I write to fast I end up skipping some of my mistakes.
When I first met you, you were sad and lonely. A small broken boy from a broken home but somehow you kept a smile on your face and I never knew. It’s funny, when I first saw you, I had no intention of ever becoming your friend and yet I stared at you every day in class. Sometimes I saw you look back at me but I thought nothing of it really. I just figured you must have felt someone staring at you, did you know it was me?
I’m not really sure how we ever did become friends actually, it just…happened. It was the fastest friendship I had ever had. Somehow in the short six months that I knew you I had come to tell you every aspect of my life, I wonder if you did to? Why, of all the people I could have told my life to, why was it you? I could have told my best friend whom I had known since kindergarten, or I could have told the friend the hung out with everyday, but I didn’t, it was you.
I remember going to the movies every weekend just you and me. It was never meant to be that way though, we always invited friends but no one could ever make it, was it fate? Each time we went to the movies we moved in closer to each other until we leaned against one another. I was so happy then, were you?
Then one weekend we decided to watch Iron Man, as usual we leaned up against one another and watched, talking to each other every once and while. I couldn’t hear you or the movie though, that night I had ear aches, but I didn’t care because it was time I got to spend with you. I could hear you mumbling to me so I faced you but kept my eyes to the movie trying to hear both. It was hard, without knowing it…I kept getting closer. It wasn’t until I felt your hair against my forehead that I realized I had gotten to close, I felt fear, but why?
But as I watched you, you hadn’t backed away…you were also leaned in… I saw your head tilt up and I felt your breath on my lips. What are we doing?! Before I could comprehend anything I snapped my head away and faced the isle of the theater. Had we almost…kissed? I looked back at you through the corner of my eyes; I was too embarrassed to look at you fully… Is that…hurt I see? Had I hurt you by turning away?
The next weekend I wanted to try again, but you were different from before. You didn’t lean towards me like usual. I felt sick, I’m sorry I hurt you, can you forgive me?
I wanted to try once more to try and fix this, so as usual I call your house phone. But your answer was not what I had expected… You’re moving? But when? Tomorrow?! I felt my world freeze and I drop the eye liner that was in my hand, it made a black line on the jacket I had been wearing…it’s still there. Why didn’t you tell me this? That was all I wanted to know, but you don’t have an answer for me. I’m shaking now, but why? I stutter, asking if I will get to say good-bye, but you can’t answer that either. In the end I never did get to say good-bye, didn’t you care?
The months were agonizing… I had never felt pain like this before. Why was I crying so much? I had only known you for six months, this is insane! I had liked other guys before you for longer than this and still I didn’t cry for them. So why had your leaving torn my heart into pieces? I was in so much pain, were you?
It was in this moment I had come to realize that within the short amount of laughs and tears, of teasing and comforting, I had come to love you. But how was this even possible? Why hadn’t I loved any of the other men? Why you?
Months went by and we were finally able to speak again through Myspace. It helped ease the pain in my chest and I was glad. But that pain never did fully go away no matter how many hours we spent talking to one another. I learned you have moved to Colorado, but not just anywhere in Colorado, to Fruita! My uncle and aunt live there, I visit them every summer, was this really happening?! Was I going to be able to see you again? I wanted nothing more, did you?
Nine months passed and every day I cried at the pain of you moving. I look back on it now and feel so stupid for how long I cried, but if it were to happen again I doubt it would be any different. My only question is why did I cry so long? I had never cried over someone before…
Finally the time comes, I’m going to see you again! I waited for you in the park and felt my heart leap when I saw you riding this way on your bike. Somehow I was in shock and couldn’t say anything, I could only look at you. I felt so right again, so happy, so…whole. And the best part was, this wasn’t a dream, it was real. But as all good things come, they must go and the day came I had to leave. I cried that night, did you?
However only a few days later, you got a phone! We texted everyday and it only helped heal my broken heart more. We texted until one of us passed out, we never said good-night. Again I spilled my daily life to you, I got to joke around, and tease you. But it still hurt…I couldn’t hug you anymore, I couldn’t listen to your voice as you talked or enjoyed your laugh, see your smile, or walk with you to the park, did that hurt you too?
I got to see you each summer for only a month, it was never enough. I would always miss you no matter how much we talked. I lay awake at night after you had passed out on me, and wonder if you miss me too, or was this enough for you?
I knew this time would come but somehow it came too soon. You had gotten yourself a girlfriend; somehow it hurt me, but why? It wasn’t like we were ever an item. It’s funny; all I had ever wanted was for you to be happy. You had had such a horrible life, and this was a good thing right? So…why do I feel so sad now? Was it because I wanted you to be happy…with me? No…I can’t think that way…that’s…selfish… And for the first time in our relationship, I lied to you. I said the two words I thought I would never use to lie to you.
“I’m fine.” Could you tell it was a lie?
I was never “fine” anymore, I wanted you to be happy, but… I wanted you to be happy with me… I would never come to admit this to you though. It was too selfish and I felt like such a horrible person.
As the months dragged on I came to accept it, but I could never picture you in her arms, picture you smiling and laughing with her like you did with me, picture you kissing her they way you would have kissed me…it would just hurt too much. But today, you told me that she was your first. I told you I was happy for you, so why was I crying? Why did I feel…betrayed? We were never together!
I still didn’t understand my feelings towards you, the other guy I liked I had known for a whole two years and didn’t shed a tear when he left. So why were you so different?
I’m finally back in Colorado. Your girlfriend doesn’t like me… but why? I never did anything to her! So why does she hate me so? Why does she cry when you’re with me? She wants to keep you from me, are you going to let her? I’ll admit I don’t like her either, but I would never keep you from her… That month I only got to see you a few days because of her… Why did you let her do that? Don’t you care about me anymore? You can see her whenever you want to…you can only see me for a month each year… Did I do something wrong?
Another nine months pass and I get to go back to Colorado. Your girlfriend still hates me, you’ve been together for so long now though, doesn’t she trust you? I trust you, you know that right? This time my visit is different… your sending mixed signals to me. You keep touching me as if you’re afraid I might vanish. You’re hugging me for way too long to just be a friendly hug or an ‘I missed you’ hug, what is going through your mind?
We go for a drive with my sister and your friend. We are going to a supposed haunted area, you know I love to do these things. But you keep rubbing my leg as if we are lovers and looking at me with a smile, but I see the sadness in your eyes. Are you regretting something? I don’t know what’s going on…but I don’t try to stop it. I love this new found attention from you, is that wrong?
We reach the area but it’s at a cliff, you know I’m afraid of heights! I walk close to you because of this but you don’t seem to mind. You take my hand and navigate me through the darkness, I can see just fine but I don’t stop you. We reach the cliff but I stop at least ten feet away letting you go on to explore. You’re making me nervous, so I call you back. And to my surprise you come to me and stand close asking if I will come to the edge if you stay with me. What has gotten into you? What is that look in your eyes? Your eyes have grown even softer toward me… are these the eyes you use on your girlfriend?
I nod and wrap my arm around yours while clutching at your sleeve with the other forgetting for a short moment that you are not mine to hold like this. But I soon remember and let my arms slide from you only to gasp is surprise when I feel your stronger arm around my waist. You have never done that before. What are you doing!? What are we doing? You have a girlfriend…
I don’t know what to think of this my mind draws a blank. I wish I had known what was going through your head.
We are older now; I will no longer being going to see my aunt and uncle in Fruita. It makes me sad, all I want is to see you again, but I know if I were to see you I would only want more. Perhaps this is for the best. We still talk every day until late at night this fact has never changed. You have also broken it off with your girlfriend, but I had never been sure why. As for me, I could never get you out of my head…I could never love another like I did you, no matter how much I wanted to move on. I told myself daily that I could never be with you like that, would you agree?
I told myself over and over, but in the back of my mind…I knew it wasn’t working, I knew I still wanted you, I was still selfish. But I have known you for more than four years, and these feelings won’t go away. It pains me, does it hurt you?
I still love you, do you?
I’m not really sure how we ever did become friends actually, it just…happened. It was the fastest friendship I had ever had. Somehow in the short six months that I knew you I had come to tell you every aspect of my life, I wonder if you did to? Why, of all the people I could have told my life to, why was it you? I could have told my best friend whom I had known since kindergarten, or I could have told the friend the hung out with everyday, but I didn’t, it was you.
I remember going to the movies every weekend just you and me. It was never meant to be that way though, we always invited friends but no one could ever make it, was it fate? Each time we went to the movies we moved in closer to each other until we leaned against one another. I was so happy then, were you?
Then one weekend we decided to watch Iron Man, as usual we leaned up against one another and watched, talking to each other every once and while. I couldn’t hear you or the movie though, that night I had ear aches, but I didn’t care because it was time I got to spend with you. I could hear you mumbling to me so I faced you but kept my eyes to the movie trying to hear both. It was hard, without knowing it…I kept getting closer. It wasn’t until I felt your hair against my forehead that I realized I had gotten to close, I felt fear, but why?
But as I watched you, you hadn’t backed away…you were also leaned in… I saw your head tilt up and I felt your breath on my lips. What are we doing?! Before I could comprehend anything I snapped my head away and faced the isle of the theater. Had we almost…kissed? I looked back at you through the corner of my eyes; I was too embarrassed to look at you fully… Is that…hurt I see? Had I hurt you by turning away?
The next weekend I wanted to try again, but you were different from before. You didn’t lean towards me like usual. I felt sick, I’m sorry I hurt you, can you forgive me?
I wanted to try once more to try and fix this, so as usual I call your house phone. But your answer was not what I had expected… You’re moving? But when? Tomorrow?! I felt my world freeze and I drop the eye liner that was in my hand, it made a black line on the jacket I had been wearing…it’s still there. Why didn’t you tell me this? That was all I wanted to know, but you don’t have an answer for me. I’m shaking now, but why? I stutter, asking if I will get to say good-bye, but you can’t answer that either. In the end I never did get to say good-bye, didn’t you care?
The months were agonizing… I had never felt pain like this before. Why was I crying so much? I had only known you for six months, this is insane! I had liked other guys before you for longer than this and still I didn’t cry for them. So why had your leaving torn my heart into pieces? I was in so much pain, were you?
It was in this moment I had come to realize that within the short amount of laughs and tears, of teasing and comforting, I had come to love you. But how was this even possible? Why hadn’t I loved any of the other men? Why you?
Months went by and we were finally able to speak again through Myspace. It helped ease the pain in my chest and I was glad. But that pain never did fully go away no matter how many hours we spent talking to one another. I learned you have moved to Colorado, but not just anywhere in Colorado, to Fruita! My uncle and aunt live there, I visit them every summer, was this really happening?! Was I going to be able to see you again? I wanted nothing more, did you?
Nine months passed and every day I cried at the pain of you moving. I look back on it now and feel so stupid for how long I cried, but if it were to happen again I doubt it would be any different. My only question is why did I cry so long? I had never cried over someone before…
Finally the time comes, I’m going to see you again! I waited for you in the park and felt my heart leap when I saw you riding this way on your bike. Somehow I was in shock and couldn’t say anything, I could only look at you. I felt so right again, so happy, so…whole. And the best part was, this wasn’t a dream, it was real. But as all good things come, they must go and the day came I had to leave. I cried that night, did you?
However only a few days later, you got a phone! We texted everyday and it only helped heal my broken heart more. We texted until one of us passed out, we never said good-night. Again I spilled my daily life to you, I got to joke around, and tease you. But it still hurt…I couldn’t hug you anymore, I couldn’t listen to your voice as you talked or enjoyed your laugh, see your smile, or walk with you to the park, did that hurt you too?
I got to see you each summer for only a month, it was never enough. I would always miss you no matter how much we talked. I lay awake at night after you had passed out on me, and wonder if you miss me too, or was this enough for you?
I knew this time would come but somehow it came too soon. You had gotten yourself a girlfriend; somehow it hurt me, but why? It wasn’t like we were ever an item. It’s funny; all I had ever wanted was for you to be happy. You had had such a horrible life, and this was a good thing right? So…why do I feel so sad now? Was it because I wanted you to be happy…with me? No…I can’t think that way…that’s…selfish… And for the first time in our relationship, I lied to you. I said the two words I thought I would never use to lie to you.
“I’m fine.” Could you tell it was a lie?
I was never “fine” anymore, I wanted you to be happy, but… I wanted you to be happy with me… I would never come to admit this to you though. It was too selfish and I felt like such a horrible person.
As the months dragged on I came to accept it, but I could never picture you in her arms, picture you smiling and laughing with her like you did with me, picture you kissing her they way you would have kissed me…it would just hurt too much. But today, you told me that she was your first. I told you I was happy for you, so why was I crying? Why did I feel…betrayed? We were never together!
I still didn’t understand my feelings towards you, the other guy I liked I had known for a whole two years and didn’t shed a tear when he left. So why were you so different?
I’m finally back in Colorado. Your girlfriend doesn’t like me… but why? I never did anything to her! So why does she hate me so? Why does she cry when you’re with me? She wants to keep you from me, are you going to let her? I’ll admit I don’t like her either, but I would never keep you from her… That month I only got to see you a few days because of her… Why did you let her do that? Don’t you care about me anymore? You can see her whenever you want to…you can only see me for a month each year… Did I do something wrong?
Another nine months pass and I get to go back to Colorado. Your girlfriend still hates me, you’ve been together for so long now though, doesn’t she trust you? I trust you, you know that right? This time my visit is different… your sending mixed signals to me. You keep touching me as if you’re afraid I might vanish. You’re hugging me for way too long to just be a friendly hug or an ‘I missed you’ hug, what is going through your mind?
We go for a drive with my sister and your friend. We are going to a supposed haunted area, you know I love to do these things. But you keep rubbing my leg as if we are lovers and looking at me with a smile, but I see the sadness in your eyes. Are you regretting something? I don’t know what’s going on…but I don’t try to stop it. I love this new found attention from you, is that wrong?
We reach the area but it’s at a cliff, you know I’m afraid of heights! I walk close to you because of this but you don’t seem to mind. You take my hand and navigate me through the darkness, I can see just fine but I don’t stop you. We reach the cliff but I stop at least ten feet away letting you go on to explore. You’re making me nervous, so I call you back. And to my surprise you come to me and stand close asking if I will come to the edge if you stay with me. What has gotten into you? What is that look in your eyes? Your eyes have grown even softer toward me… are these the eyes you use on your girlfriend?
I nod and wrap my arm around yours while clutching at your sleeve with the other forgetting for a short moment that you are not mine to hold like this. But I soon remember and let my arms slide from you only to gasp is surprise when I feel your stronger arm around my waist. You have never done that before. What are you doing!? What are we doing? You have a girlfriend…
I don’t know what to think of this my mind draws a blank. I wish I had known what was going through your head.
We are older now; I will no longer being going to see my aunt and uncle in Fruita. It makes me sad, all I want is to see you again, but I know if I were to see you I would only want more. Perhaps this is for the best. We still talk every day until late at night this fact has never changed. You have also broken it off with your girlfriend, but I had never been sure why. As for me, I could never get you out of my head…I could never love another like I did you, no matter how much I wanted to move on. I told myself daily that I could never be with you like that, would you agree?
I told myself over and over, but in the back of my mind…I knew it wasn’t working, I knew I still wanted you, I was still selfish. But I have known you for more than four years, and these feelings won’t go away. It pains me, does it hurt you?
I still love you, do you?
